How to support children when they are ‘defiant’ or ‘rebellious’?

As parents, we are all too familiar with the times when our children do not do what was asked and sometimes even flatly refuse to perform certain tasks or routines.  Some parents talk about the ‘terrible twos’: ‘rebellious teenage years’ and power struggles, often entering an escalating trap of yelling at their kids.  This results in both parents and children feeling hurt.

Do children rebel?  Yes, maybe.  As part of their development, they learn that they are individual beings who have their own thoughts and feelings.  They learn to exert and express themselves.  Depending on how their parents react or respond, they may learn different ways of expressing their individuality.

On the other hand, how useful is it to think that they are being ‘defiant’ or ‘rebellious’?  I particularly think that these labels carry too much negative connotations.  They affect how parents react to children’s behaviour and diminish the curiosity in understanding the children’s feelings (e.g. anxiety, hurt, jealousy) and needs that underlie their defiance.  They imply that children need to comply and ‘get their act’ together and parents are ‘fine’ and need not change.  Well, I could recall a time (or many times) where the incident of a yelling match could have been handled differently if I did not have a stressful day at work.  These labels also put huge responsibilities on children to know how to act while their brains are still developing and thus can get overloaded at times.

A more useful way of looking at their behaviour is to see their behaviour as a form of communication – that their needs are not met; that they need someone bigger, wiser, stronger and warm to help them to get through this phase of their life.  Note that it is a phase.  It shall pass.  It does not imply a fixed characteristic or personality nor that something is wrong with the children.  Having said that, how do parents support their children when they are yelling “I hate you” in their face and not giving in?  Here are some tips for parents to consider across different developmental stages.

Don’t take it personally.  It is easier said than done.  I too feel hurt when my children call me names.  When I shift my internal dialogue of “How dare he say this to his own mum?” to “He is overwhelmed now and he needs me to be calm to regulate his feelings”, it expands and opens me up to be more forgiving.  It doesn’t mean that his name-calling is right.  It doesn’t mean that he wins and I lose.  It means that I am being the adult in the room and a role model to him that I can choose to respond rather than react when I am overwhelmed emotionally.

Act, don’t react.  Take a deep breath, pause and calm down.  Describe his/her actions and label possible feelings in a calm tone.  Try to tune into what your child may be feeling and empathise.  It sounds cliché but you will notice your child’s shoulders drop or him/her bursting into tears when you get the right feelings.  Children don’t just ‘seek attention’.  They usually yearn for connectedness, understanding and love.  On the contrary, if you are furious with his/her ‘lack of manners’, you won’t be able to empathise or connect in a meaningful way.  Your furious gas tank may just drive the two of you further away from each other.  They may shut down emotionally and feel like they are not being heard.

Provide boundaries, limits and guidance.  It’s not just about the warm and fuzzy.  It’s also about problem solving and giving guidance.  When the storm is over and both you and your child feel calmer, you can discuss ways to prevent the same incident from happening again.  More importantly, set up four to five family ground rules that everyone agrees on.  Include your children in this process and let them have a say.  When they break the rules, they know the consequences and are therefore more likely to comply.

Catch them being good.  Be specific and warm in your praise.  Notice the positives and give them the attention.  Children thrive when they are being seen in their parents’ eyes.

Give choice and control.  Even though they are young, they need freedom to explore, play and make choices.  Imagine everything was decided for you from morning until bedtime， day in day out, would you try to rebel?  I would!  Treat them as you want to be treated respectfully.  Ask and value their opinion.  Offer choices in the routine.  It can be as simple as colour, choice of movie or activities.  When you share power and control, they have less need for power.

Be curious and seek to understand.  When we maintain a positive view of our children, be curious about their state of mind and seek to understand who the individual child is and what he or she needs at any given developmental stage， we can often work out factors that influence their behaviour (the true hidden iceberg underlying the defiance/refusal).

当孩子们“反抗”或“叛逆”时如何教养他们？

作为父母，我们对孩子们不按要求做，有时甚至断然拒绝执行某些家务事或例程的时刻非常熟悉。一些父母谈论“可怕的两岁孩”：“叛逆的少年时期”和权力斗争，常常情绪升级， 陷入对孩子大吼大叫的陷阱。这导致父母和孩子都感到非常受伤害。

孩子们会叛逆吗？是的，也许吧。作为成长的一部分，他们了解自己是具有独立思想和感觉的个体。他们学会发挥和表达自己。根据父母的反应或回应方式，他们可能会学习不同方式来表达他们的个性。

另一方面，判定他们“反抗”或“叛逆”又有多好多有用呢？我特别认为这些标签带有太多的负面含义。它们会影响父母如何面对孩子的行为，并减少了父母理解孩子的情绪（例如焦虑、伤害、嫉妒）和对其抗逆背后的需求的好奇心。他们意味着孩子们需要尽力遵循教导、“父母是对的，不需要改变”。这让我回想起一次（或多次），如果不是因为我那一天工作压力大，那么我和孩子“相互呼吼似的比赛”，可能有更好的处理方式和结果。要知道他们的大脑仍在发育来学习应对，因此有时会变得超负荷。然而，这些标签给孩子们带来了巨大的责任。

一种更有用的方法来看待他们行为，就是将他们的行为视作一种沟通形式 – 沟通着他们的需求没有被满足到；沟通着他们需要一个更大、更有智慧、更壮大、更带有温暖的人来帮助他们度过人生的这一阶段。请注意，这是一个阶段。它也会过去。这并不表示孩子有固定的特征或个性，这也不表示孩子有什么毛病。话虽如此，当孩子面对父母，脸上流露出“我恨你”而不屈服时，父母该如何教养他们？以下是横跨不同成长阶段，父母可以考虑的一些技巧。

别把不愉快的事放在心上。说起来容易，做起来却很难。当我的孩子生气并嘲弄我时，我也会有一阵痛心。当我把心里原来想的“他怎么敢这样对妈妈？”，变为 “他现在不知所措，他需要我保持镇定来调节自己的情绪”时，这样会让我更宽容和开明地处理。这并不意味着他嘲弄妈妈是对的，也不代表他赢了、我输了。这意味着我选择作为一个成人和他的榜样，让他学到，当我有难以承受的情感时，我一样可以选择“回应”而不是“大反应”。

采取行动，不要做出反应。深呼吸，停下来冷静一下。以镇定的语气，描述他/她的动作并形容他所面对的感受和情绪。尝试感觉和同理孩子的心情。 这听起来有些陈词滥调，但是当您同理得准确时，您会注意到孩子会开始软化并放声大哭。孩子们不只是“寻求关注”，他们通常渴望情感上联系、理解和关爱。相反地，如果您对他/她的“没礼貌！”感到愤怒，这种情绪和反应会促使您和孩子的距离拉远。他们可能会封闭自己的情感，感觉似乎不被理解。

提供界限，限制和指导。不仅仅是温暖和关爱，当中还要有帮助孩子解决问题和提供引导。当“风暴”结束并且您和您的孩子都   感到平静时，您们可以讨论如何防止同一事件再次发生的方法。更重要的是，建立四至五个，每个人都同意的家庭基本准则。让您的孩子参与这个过程，并让他们有发言权。当他们违反规则时，他们知道后果，因此更有可能遵守。

放大他们做对的事。您要具体而热情地称赞。关注他们好的方面并给予足够的重视。当孩子知道父母在关注他们时，孩子们会更加力争上游。

给予选择和控制权。即使他们还很年轻，他们也需要自由探索，玩耍和做出选择。想象一下，从早晨到晚上就寝，日复一日，一切大小都他人决定，您会尝试反抗吗？我会！尊重的对待他们，就如同你希望别人怎么对待您一样。询问并重视他们的意见。在日常生活规律中提供选择。它可以很简单，例如让他们选择颜色，电影或活动。当您共享权力和控制权时，他们对“控制权的渴求”就会减少。

好奇并想要了解。当我们对孩子保持正面看法，对他们的心理状态保持好奇心，并设法了解每个孩子在每个特定的发育阶段的需要时，我们经常可以找出影响其行为的因素（隐藏在反抗/拒绝的“冰山”背后的真相）。

https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-handle-defiant-children-620106

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-new-ways-to-navigate-defiance-from-your-child_b_4564781

https://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/30/health/parent-acts-defiant-children/index.html