Promoting positive sibling relationships
Are you one of the lucky ones who grew up with siblings? As one of seven siblings, I had my fair share of fun as well as ‘sibling rivalry’ when I was younger. Now as a grown up, I count my blessings of having siblings to support each other and reminisce those childhood memories. Individuals who have positive sibling relationships tend to have better social-emotional skills and are more skilled in conflict resolution. These benefits are also maintained into adulthood. You might wonder, ‘But all I am doing now is to be a referee when the children are fighting and arguing over toys with each other!’ ‘What do we do when children are jealous over another sibling?’ ‘How do we support our children to have these lifelong benefits of positive sibling relationships?’
I am going to talk about two important ways to promote positive sibling relationships.
- Strengthening Emotional Connection
Some studies show that siblings aged between 3 and 9 years old argue several times an hour. It is more common and ‘normal’ than we think. The good thing is, as long as they have more positive interactions in their “relationship bank account” than their negative interactions, the quality of their relationship will remain safe and strong. Hence, to counteract the inevitable negative interactions, it is very important to allow them time and opportunity to strengthen their bonding.
Give regular undivided positive attention to each child. Instead of waiting for your child to compete for parental approval and attention, how about giving them 10 minutes of special time each? Children strive when they are being seen. Be fully present for your individual time with the child and fill their “attention bucket” with love and praise.
Create special time between children. A daily 10-minute bonding time between siblings can go a long way. They can share their interests or do activities together such as outdoor play, dancing, singing, laughing out loud with silly jokes, building a fort or rough and tumble play. Do not interrupt their happy play unless necessary. This time need not be long but it gives them a boost of happy oxytocin.
Cheer on their positive attributes and teamwork. Get children to work together on a family project or house chores. This allows them time to work towards the same goal and get rewarded with family fun time. I like the idea of having a Family Kindness Journal. Encourage children to notice acts of kindness and write them down. Praise them on the way they treat each other nicely. Avoid getting them to compete with each other. Avoid talking down on one person or make unfair comparisons between siblings. This is likely to make them jealous of each other.
- Teaching children conflict resolution skills and expand their emotional vocabulary
While sibling fights and arguments are unavoidable, we can view them as teaching opportunities to model emotion regulation skills and support them to learn conflict resolution skills. It might be quick and easy to simply send them into their own rooms when they fight, but this will not help them to learn anything and may brew resentment towards each other or towards parents.
Stay calm and collected. Before you jump in to stop the children from fighting or arguing, check in with yourself to see if you are calm and collected. Remember that they see your behaviour as their ‘model template’. If you throw a ‘tantrum’ and ‘yelled’ at your children in order to resolve a conflict, they are likely to copy your behaviour if there is a disagreement among siblings.
Be a coach, not a referee. If they can work things out among themselves, that’s great. If not, parents should come in calmly and try not to take sides or place blame on either side. Encourage them to express themselves calmly and listen to what they have to say. “Name it to tame it.” Acknowledge and reflect their possible mixed feelings and validate their perspectives. If they are too overwhelmed to talk calmly, encourage them to practice their coping skills, such as taking deep breaths, counting to 10, referring to their ‘emotion thermometer’, and then using their “I feel” statements to talk about what they feel and what happened. Once they have calmly talked about their perspectives, get them to come to an agreement or come up with win-win solutions. Praise them for being able to calm down and work as a team to resolve a problem. Practice makes progress. They will be masters for conflict resolution with practice.
It takes time and effort to nurture sibling relationships but it is definitely worthwhile. This means our children would have lifelong company and friends who stand by them.