How to respond when your child is bullied at school?
Thirteen-year-old C presented together with his worried parents at the consulting room with concerns of being bullied. He had been regularly subject to name-calling, having rumours posted on social media and physical assaults by a group of ‘popular’ kids. One of the bullies was expelled but other students started blaming and isolating C for causing the expulsion. C fell into depression. This is a typical case example of individuals that I have worked with.
The national definition of bullying for Australian schools is:
Bullying is an ongoing misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behaviour that causes physical and/ or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power over one or more persons. Bullying can happen in person or online, and it can be obvious or hidden.
Being bullied at school can increase the risk of developing serious mental health problems in adolescence and adulthood. Fortunately, research has shown that emotionally warm and supportive parenting can greatly help children deal with bullying and buffer them against the negative emotional consequences.
Bullying should be taken seriously. If your child comes to you with a problem with other children at school, try the following steps to support your child.
- Listen calmly and understand the full story. Becoming reactive may discourage your child from talking.
- Reassure your child. Some children may blame themselves for what has happened. Reflect your child’s feeling and help them to see that it is not their fault. No one should have to put up with bullies.
- Support your child in brainstorming ideas to solve the problem. Ask them what they want to do and what they want you to do.
- Your child may not want you to talk to the school initially; assure him or her that adults at school are there to keep everyone safe.
- Generate ideas on how your child may respond to the bullies calmly. E.g., keep a calm ‘poker face’ on and walk away to a safe place where others are. Bullies often put people down. Teach your children to stand up for themselves calmly.
- The Internet has some useful resources and Youtube videos for these. Try Google “Brooks Gibbs, golden rule school: resilient”, “Bullying. No way!”
- Do not encourage your child to fight back. Physically retaliating may worsen the situation.
- Support your child in learning social skills. Having good friends helps protect children from bullying.
- Tempted to talk to the other child’s parents? No. This is usually a risky move. It is best to contact the school first:
- Check the school’s policy on how they manage bullying.
- Make an appointment to meet with teacher, deputy principal and school psychologist.
- Explain exactly what happened and how your child was affected.
- Staying calm will be helpful in working towards a constructive plan to resolve the problems.
- Check in regularly with your child. Be a sounding board to your child.
- If the school fails to address the ongoing bullying problems, consider reporting to higher education authorities and reporting cases of physical assault or cyber-bullying to police. You may examine if there is a need to transfer schools to avoid further harm. You may also seek support from a psychologist to support your child’s mental health.
Back to C, we practiced ways to deal with bullies and ways to respond to difficult thoughts and feelings in sessions. The school organised debrief sessions and organised engaging activities during recess and lunch to promote friendships. I supported C’s parents on using emotion coaching with C. C is now more comfortable attending school and has a few strong friendships.
Be proactive and always ready to have open discussion about issues such as respectful relationships and cyber-bullying etc. Try emotion coaching when conflicts arise rather than being dismissive or disciplining them. This way, you will raise a child who knows how to handle conflicts and enjoy strong friendships.
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